One Phrase Calms Kids Better Than "What's Wrong?

A simple shift in how parents ask questions during tantrums could transform how children learn to handle their emotions.

Reem Raouda, a conscious parenting expert who has studied over 200 children, found that the common question "What's wrong?" often shuts kids down during emotional moments. Instead, one phrase consistently helped children pause, reflect, and communicate openly: "Tell me what feels hard right now."

The difference might seem small, but the impact is significant. When children are upset, their nervous systems are already flooded with stress. Questions that demand explanations or precise labels for emotions can feel overwhelming, pushing kids to retreat rather than share.

The word "hard" changes everything because it feels human and non-threatening. Children don't need to justify their feelings or name them correctly. They can simply describe what they're experiencing in their own words, which naturally builds emotional vocabulary over time.

This approach also gives kids agency over what they share and when. Rather than being interrogated, they're invited to reflect at their own pace. That sense of control is essential for developing self-regulation and confidence later in life.

Why This Inspires

What makes this research so powerful is how it reframes the parent's role during emotional storms. Instead of rushing to fix or understand the problem immediately, parents create a safe harbor where feelings can simply exist without urgency.

When children repeatedly experience this kind of steady, curious response, they internalize it. They learn that emotions are normal signals worth paying attention to, not problems that need immediate solutions or suppression. The parent becomes a model for how to approach difficult feelings with calm and openness.

Over hundreds of interactions, Raouda observed that children who heard this phrase learned to regulate themselves more effectively. They developed stronger emotional intelligence not through instruction, but through experience.

The beauty of this approach is its simplicity. Parents don't need special training or perfect conditions. They just need to adjust one question during moments that matter most, creating space for their children to feel heard and safe.