Soccer Legend John Harkes: Listen First, Coach Second

When a player showed up late to practice looking angry and distant, John Harkes thought he knew exactly what he was dealing with. The former U.S. Men's National Team captain assumed it was a bad attitude that needed correcting.

That assumption kept him up at night. His wife asked a simple question: "What are you going to do better?"

The next morning, Harkes approached the player differently. Instead of criticizing the young man's behavior, he admitted his own mistake first.

"I wasn't fully in here for you yesterday," Harkes told him. Then he followed his father's advice: two ears, one mouth, listen more.

The player opened up about what was really going on. School stress, work pressures, and the weight of trying to raise money had left him running on empty long before practice started. Harkes had seen all of it as attitude.

"Now I see you," Harkes told him. "I won't let you down again."

Harkes shared this story at a coach appreciation event in Washington, D.C., to illustrate what he calls "humility as a coach." He reminded the room full of youth coaches that making mistakes doesn't make you a bad coach, but refusing to see the whole child might.

His message reflects what coaches like Anees Merzi are building through organizations like 703 Warriors, which provides free soccer and mentorship in Northern Virginia. Merzi knows firsthand how a coach who truly sees you can redirect your entire life, having gone from youth athlete to West Point cadet because a coach believed in him.

Children's mental health specialist Bryana Kappadakunnel explains why this approach works. "When a relationship starts with curiosity, connection and understanding, a child is actually more willing to cooperate, collaborate and put themselves in positions where they might make a mistake," she says.

The Ripple Effect

The impact of coaches who lead with connection extends far beyond the field. Bora Milutinović, who coached the U.S. Men's National Team during their breakthrough 1994 World Cup run, showed every player "how valuable you are" regardless of their role. That sense of belonging was so powerful that 14 of his 22 players became coaches themselves.

Now the U.S. Soccer Foundation and Stand Together are scaling this coaching philosophy through Yes, Coach!, an initiative training 100,000 coach-mentors by 2030. The goal isn't perfection but connection, helping coaches understand that the child in front of them matters more than the score.

When coaches choose curiosity over assumptions, they create space for young people to bring their whole selves to the team, struggles and all.